🧇 Eggo lets go — of its decency

It’s that time of year when fantasy football geeks arrange their draft boards, but we’re out-geeking them today — playing fantasy boardroom.

If you were drafting execs you’d most want leading a team right now, it’d be hard to argue against Satya Nadella, Microsoft’s leader for nearly a decade now, as a top pick.

In 2023, AI wins count extra

Fast Company’s September cover story spotlights Nadella, claiming he has Microsoft “winning Big Tech’s AI war.”

Nadella doesn’t disagree — he took a victory lap during last month’s earnings call, acknowledging Microsoft’s “in the lead” selling cloud-based AI services. (He later demurred, saying, “Early leads in technology don’t matter”).

But Nadella can’t be blamed for a celebratory mood — his $13B deal with OpenAI rocketed Microsoft to the AI forefront, giving it a first look at the ChatGPT creator’s latest tech. That’s paying off, per Fast Company:

• Microsoft’s market value, stuck at ~$300B when Nadella took the top job, recently passed $2.5T, positioning the company to join Apple as the only members of the $3T+ club.
• An Evercore ISI analyst predicted AI could add up to $100B to Microsoft’s annual revenue by 2027, quite the return on a $13B investment.

AI > past missteps

Before the AI boom, Nadella’s run included “laggards,” per CNBC:

• Bing was long an afterthought to Google’s search dominance.
• Amazon had AWS running laps around Microsoft’s Azure.
• Surface PCs never captured imaginations like Apple’s hardware.

Even with flashy acquisitions of LinkedIn, GitHub, and “Minecraft” maker Mojang Studios, Microsoft trailed other Big Tech firms in perception. This year, it’s eliminated 10k+ jobs.

But things change fast in tech. After “betting everything on AI,” the company is back in the driver’s seat, per Wired, and Nadella is “finally getting cred.”

That means lionization on magazine covers — and on theoretical fantasy CEO draft boards.

Reality check: While Nadella is a hot pick right now, anyone who’d instead take Apple’s Tim Cook first isn’t wrong. Also, if anyone is actually playing a fantasy boardroom game, please let us know how you score it.

Gizmodo’s Thomas Germain reported that a friend began noticing his Hinge matches were suddenly meh: “unflattering photos, awkward bios, and prompts with glaring red flags.”

Further investigation revealed that this seems to be a problem across dating apps for people of all gender identities.

Why would they do that?

Dating apps typically try to match similar people, but are somewhat secretive about their algorithms. Tinder previously “scored” people based on their popularity, but has since switched methods, while eHarmony uses an 80-question compatibility quiz.

But dating apps are also here to make money:

• Tinder Platinum ($24.99/week) allows users to see who’s already swiped yes, message others before matching, and prioritizes their likes above unpaid members.
• Bumble Premium (starting at $19.99/week) includes unlimited likes, advanced filters, and more time to message back (Bumble deletes matches if the conversation stalls for too long).
• HingeX ($24.99/month) offers priority likes and “enhanced” recommendations that promise “access to people more your type.”

And it’s working. In 2021, people spent $4.2B on dating apps globally, up 30% YoY.

So they lock up features…

… but what about people?

Hinge — one of several apps, including Tinder and OkCupid, owned by Match Group — told Gizmodo that it only “shadowbans” bad actors.

However, it does use AI to determine a user’s best possible matches, then only allows you to contact them if you send them a “rose.” You get one free rose per week — but you can also buy them, of course.

That’s not how we remember the Eggo slogan going — and for good reason.

The Kellogg-owned brand, in partnership with Sugarlands Distilling Co., just released a boozy collaboration.

(We feel obligated to warn you that things are about to get weird.)

Inspired — we imagine — by what would happen if you dumped your breakfast plate into a blender and added a shot, Eggo Brunch in a Jar Sippin’ Cream is exactly what it sounds like:

• The creamy liqueur blends waffle flavors with those of maple syrup, butter… and bacon.
• Definitely not for kids, the concoction is 20% alcohol by volume.

Why, God, why?

Fair question. This is the second collaboration between the Tennessee distillery and Eggo.

The brands debuted Eggo Nog last fall, just in time for Santa to say, “WTF?!” under the Christmas tree.

Joe Beauprez, Kellogg’s senior director of marketing for frozen foods, says the spiked cream is aimed at parents looking to unwind (while the children, presumably, eat waffles).

It’s not the first weird brand collab…

… and won’t be the last.

Mac and cheese ice cream, Cheetos crop tops, and iced tea sneakers have bravely paved the way for unlikely partnerships.

Just this week, Hailey Bieber’s Rhode Skin announced it’s launching a lip treatment with none other than Krispy Kreme.

So run, don’t walk, because tomorrow is National Waffle Day, and you can’t be the only loser without boozy brunch in a jar.